what doesn't kill you makes you neurotic

I'd forgotten I have a  blog.

Since my last entry, I: 

• Trekked up a volcano. 
• Developed an irrational, paralyzing fear of water.
• Rode an elephant.
• Celebrated at a friend's wedding.
• Discovered Vietnamese coffee.
• Lost, kept, and made friends.
• Had the most amazing cupcake I've ever tasted in my life.
• Swam in crystal clear waters.
• Switched careers.
• Lost my father.
• Shared a romantic kiss at midnight, but (fortunately) it was just a harmless infatuation.
• Thought I was just casually dating someone, but (unfortunately) it was soul-stirring love.
• Saw a 2,000 year old Roman aqueduct.
• Unknowingly devoured a plateful of bull's testicles.
• Bought fruit using sign language at a floating market.
• Barely recognize the girl who wrote the previous entries 3 years ago.

Extreme highs and extreme lows.  However, experience, especially bad ones, can alter how we see the world and how we see ourselves.  The past three years have changed me in ways big and small --  I now am little less idealistic, a little more practical.  A little less forgiving, a little more impatient.  A little less hopeful, a little more cynical. 

"The conscious brain can only handle one thought at a time.  Choose a positive thought."

Easier said than done. After a while, one finds a sense of peace in chaos, a sense of enjoyment in misery.  The older we get, the more aware we are of the choices that are available to us, and more importantly the consequences of our decisions.  The youthful mantra of "Do or Die" no longer becomes our battlecry.  Things get much more complicated because now, we actually take the time to do a cost-benefit analysis of every single action because we "know" more about the world.

But do we really?  Is age directly proportional to wisdom?  We question everything because we think that since we've been through so much already, we are able to foresee exactly how things will play out.  We assume that, based on previous experience, we will be able automatically deduce if and when things are statistically bound to fail.

But what if we're WRONG?  That's a damn big "what if".

Maybe, just maybe, life still has a few good surprises in store for us. And more shockingly, we might still have the ability to surprise ourselves.

So today, I promise to choose positive thoughts.  Even if my logical, analytic brain and unromantic heart tell me otherwise.